This might come as a surprise for some of the people that know me, I’m even surprised I’m saying this here, but I’m actually extremely sweet (and shy) when I’m dating someone. Even if things are just casual I still show a lot of affection (I mean, I write poetry and I cry with Disney movies, what did you expect?) This means that I usually engage in long conversations via text, act as I’m super excited, pamper a lot, give deep looks and smile like there’s no one else in the world, and well, all that corny behavior of a hopeless romantic.
I absolutely understand that for the guy that’s getting all of this tsunami of things he’s obviously afraid of, I am an absolute challenge or even their worst nightmare. This is why I always do my best with trying to make things pretty clear from the beginning. This said, are the phrases “I am not in love with you”, “this is just casual” and “this is not going anywhere” difficult to understand? I would think not but… apparently some people understand meanings differently.
A while back, I met this guy on Tinder, very handsome, super funny and overall pretty interesting (not my usual experience so you can imagine I was curious). We had a couple of dates and soon I realized he was even more of a texter and talker than I am. He would write literally every day, not only to wish me a good morning or a good sleep but also to tell me what he was doing almost every minute. Not joking, he would send “I just bought a cake”, “leaving the gym now“, “I’m watching a movie”, seriously eve-ry-thing. I must admit it felt sometimes like a bit much, but coming from all the other treasurable dates I’ve had, I was not about to complain. And also, who doesn’t like a little attention?
As the norm dictates, after a few dates, we had the talk. We agreed we weren’t romantically compatible and that there was probably never going to be anything serious between us. Fortunately, this decision did not change the way we treated each other, which was obviously the best outcome. Because, I don’t know about you, but if I decide to see someone it is because of how the behaved from the beginning and the usual “I get cold and distant once I have you” is pretty frustrating to me, so the fact that everything remained the same after the talk, was just awesome.
Days passed and things seemed pretty good. We continued to see each other, being sweet and texting a lot for a while. Everything was fun, enjoyable and absolutely simple until one night, out of nowhere, he abruptly decided to go home. Without saying anything, he tried to sneak out attempting not to wake me up, which was ridiculous not only because, what the heck, but also because I’m the lightest sleeper ever and given that my bed is against the wall, he had to literally jump over me to get out.
I obviously woke up and asked what was happening. He mumbled he had to leave because he couldn’t sleep, apologized for waking me up and basically run out. Imagine my face, well, my entire chain of thought also. What did just happened?
A few days later, he sent me a long text where he explained he wasn’t ready for a relationship and other similar things that pretty much sounded like he was breaking up a nonexistent serious relationship he thought I wanted. And of course, that little theatrical performance made me spiral. I followed the dark path of overthinking and overanalyzing every single moment. What did I do wrong? How did I give a wrong impression? Was I too sweet? Should I be colder? All of those questions, and plenty more, came up at every corner.
So I guess the underlying teachable moment here, which I eventually reached, is that in truth, it doesn’t matter how clear you are or how rough at saying things. Not even how many times you say them, the other person will always process the information differently and even if you think you are 100% the one to blame in situations like this, well, you are not. Sure, maybe a better communication could have solved this or a little less attention but really, dating is a two people (or more) job, which means, you are not the only one to blame and changing yourself to accommodate someone else will eventually do more harm than good.
Have you ever had a weird situation you could not explain and ended up blaming yourself for it?
My Funny Little Life 