You are probably wondering why my first post has such a positive, lucky charm name. Perhaps Lemony Snicket comes to mind. So, I will go on with the first chapter of this story and I am quite sure you will understand at the end.
Once upon a time, there was a dreamy little girl, (with a few extra years in her ID) who thought her life was going to be no more than that, dreams. That girl is, of course, me. I was positive I was being mocked by that funny thing known as “good luck”. We were, for sure, not good in good terms.
Year after year my big, huge, enormous efforts were crashed or rewarded with small accomplishments that didn’t really cease the hunger for more. I wanted success, a career, to know places, to be loved, to have tons of friends, I wanted all (stingy much?).
But one day, out of the blue, I met a guy from across the ocean… and let’s cut to the chase, we kinda fell in love (woohoo). A happy relationship started right there on the spot. So, after a few months of texting and calling (and let’s be honest, a few weird pics in the middle too) we decided that our “love” was too unique, too strong, too beautiful to let the sea be in the middle, and against all odds I left everything behind and took a plane towards giving that new feeling a chance.
What a romantic story right? Here’s where the movie ends with the “and they lived happily ever after”, but let’s come down from our cloud and be real for a moment because that’s not the kind of story I want to tell you. Life isn’t as easy as we want it to be, everyone knows that. It has changes, challenges, obstacles, and so many, many things that can make you angry or sad, desperate or devastated. But life is also about those little things that make us happy, is about taking chances and risks, getting somewhere, fighting for what you want… and in this case, we just wanted us.
Somewhat blindly, I followed my heart and started living on the other side of the world with this specimen of human being I was “so madly in love” with. And I was happy… for a while.
Living with someone is a really complex thing. Everything about the other person can click with you or drop water to your already fried wires. Just think about it, the noises, the way each person decorates, the music, the different work hours, the snoring, the cleaning (or lack of it), the guilty pleasures that might not match, the blue days. So many things to understand (more like, tolerate) about each other, so many things that can generate discussions or resentment. Basically, so many reasons for a young relationship moving too fast to be destroyed.
If I said that the first weeks of living together were nice ones, I would be lying. Perhaps it was the distance or the fact that we didn’t know each other that well, but as soon as we started sharing a roof, things started to go down like a meteorite. I realized he was an excellent liar and him, that I was an insecure scary cat. I showed to be hard on my grown-up opinions and him, too young to even consider them. I started trying way too hard to be loved and him, well… he couldn’t.
Losing him was a nuclear bomb to my heart, to be honest. I felt like I was losing half of my soul, my strength, my will, my “everything”. A thousand questions like why, or how, started dancing in my mind making an incredible amount of tears come out and out. I loved him, I loved him so much it hurt, or at least, I loved the idea of him. And now he was gone, and my memories of him were stained with lies, and fights and those words that, when it comes to a relationship, you hope you will never, ever hear. Words that most likely cause an unaccountable pain and sometimes, tear you apart.
“I don’t love you” after so many moments shared, so many promises made, so many kisses and cuddles, so many shitty arguments that were supposed to make us stronger, and well, after a year together, he had broken the bubble and with it, my stability. That fragile but beautiful layer of happiness that surrounds every lovebird and makes everything so perfect.
And then, exactly when I thought it couldn’t get worse I got the call of “we are cutting down personal and sadly we have to let you go”.
Broken, scared and lonely I had to figure out what to do. I had nothing back home but the unconditional love of my family that yes, is wonderful, but you can’t eat love. No job, no house, no money. Living in a strange country, with a language I did not speak and a culture I did not understand and now, with an ex.
I’m sure you now understand the title of the post, right?